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Men Bashing…………….

Few women admit their age…
…Fewer men act it.”    — Bumper sticker.

“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”    — Bumper sticker.

“Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one ! (chugs beer)”    — Buy at Amazon.comHomer Simpson.

——————————————————————————–

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.”    — Buy at Amazon.comMae West (1892—1980).

“You know the movie you’re watching is a ‘chick flick‘ if you wake up and your wife is crying.”    — Rick Oie.

“It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.”    — Helen Rowland.

“Supposedly I was created in god’s image. I don’t know… you’d think god would have a bigger penis than this.”    — Buy at Amazon.comAnthony Myers.

“I now stand corrected — there is one gift a woman does not prefer to come in a small package.”

“When was the last time you saw a ‘size small‘ package of condoms ?”

“It would be a mistake to put fluoride in condoms because a cavity is exactly what I’m hoping for.”    — James Knowles.

“Any woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.”

“Men only have two faults: Everything they say and everything they do.”

“Behind Every Good Man Is An Even Better Woman.”

“You can’t throw him back because he doesn’t meet the legal size limit.”    — Dave Henry, Honeymoon Tip for Brides.

“All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.”    — Buy at Amazon.comOscar Wilde.

“Knowing what I do now about women, if I could just travel back in time to when I was 16 years old, I bet I would have gotten laid by now.”    — Ed Smith.

“There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first.”    — Buy at Amazon.comAdela Rogers St. John.

“Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.”    — Katherine Whitehorn.

“Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.”

“If Adam had had a real hairy back, we probably wouldn’t be here today.”    — Dave Henry.

“If women had any idea, even for a second, how we really looked at them, they would never stop slapping us.”    — Dr. Katz.

“If men could fuck women in a cardboard box, they wouldn’t buy a house.”    — Dave Chappelle.

“Want proof that men are more creative than women ? Women will gladly pay someone else to build them a pair of big boobs, while men spend years crafting their own, using nothing but beer and pizza.”    — Scott E. Frank.

“Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…”

“They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I find it’s often in huge tits, too.”    — Brad Wilkerson.

“My girlfriend says I’m a breast man, but I don’t think I’m so shallow that I can only see one aspect of a woman’s being. I’m also a hooter man, a jug man, a knocker man, a melon man and an ah-ooooooooga! man.”    — Tim H. Richweis.

“So i went into Victoria’s Secret and asked one of the bra-fitting ladies if they carried AAs. And the lady goes, ‘try radioshack‘.”    — thisismykittyx.

“As a well-endowed man, I’m here to tell you it’s not always easy. For one thing, a lot of women won’t date a guy whose tits are bigger than hers.”    — Brad Osberg.

“There’s no marriage problem that bigger tits won’t cure. Except maybe when the problem is that the husband has tits.”    — Tim H. Richweis.

“Who gets to have sex with me ? There’s only one fair way to decide this… I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Okay, it’s the one with the huge tits.”    — Jim Rosenberg.

“Whenever I hear the saying ‘Tit for Tat‘, I can’t help but think, ‘Way to go, Tat‘ !”    — Alex Calkins.

“My life’s goal is to achieve total enlightenment. But I’ll settle for a girlfriend with huge hooters.”    — James Knowles.

“Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended.”    — Buy at Amazon.comZsa Zsa Gabor.

“There’s nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes.”

“It’s not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Let’s face it, chocolate is much more reliable than any man.”

“I’d like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night.”    — Carrie Snow.

“Women need a reason to have sex — Men just need a place.”

One day, God calls on Adam & says, “Adam, I have some good news and some bad news ! The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time.”

“God made Adam before Eve because you always make a rough draft before the final copy.”

“It’s true that all men are pigs. The trick is to tame one who knows how to find truffles.”    — Lev L. Spiro.

“Anxiety /n./ The first time you can’t do it a second time.
Panic /n./ The second time you can’t do it the first time.”

“I doubt whether any girl would be satisfied with her lover’s mind if she knew the whole of it.”    — Buy at Amazon.comAnthony Trollope (1815—82) British novelist.

“Men are like fine wine — they all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we’d like to have dinner with.”    — Anonymous.

“Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful !”

“A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: ‘PIG!!’. The man immediately leans out his window and replies: ‘BITCH!!’. They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.”    — Bob Castro.

“A woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship.”    — puppet.

“A man who is old enough to know better is always on the look out for a girl who doesn’t.”

“Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.”

“A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.”    — Carrie Snow.

“Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men.”    — Conrad.

“If men couldn’t fuck there’d be a bounty on their heads.”

“If they sent one man to the moon, why can’t they send them all ?”

“Most men would never get laid if it weren’t for the pity fuck.”

“The sex life of spiders is very interesting. He fucks her. She bites his head off.”    — From a Women’s Lib Poster.

“War is menstruation envy.”

“I think the reason guys like women in leather outfits so much is because they have that new car smell.”    — George Fara.

“You only lie to two people in your life: your girlfriend and the police.”    — Jack Nicholson.

“Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it’d go all the way from A to Z… Wait, shit.”    — JonTG.

“When I first met my girlfriend, she asked me what I wanted in a woman. She pretended to be irritated when I said, ‘My dick‘.”

“Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.”

“Once you recognize the fact that all men are inherently pigs, your life becomes much simpler.”

“I have great sex with my girlfriend. She’s very vocal, and most of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, ‘Harder!‘, I love it when she screams, ‘Faster!‘. The only problem I have is when she screams, ‘Deeper!‘.”

“The game women play is men.”    — Adam Smith.

“Did you know a male lion can rule over 30 females and mate over 50 times in one day ? You know, I think those male lions just may have life pretty well figured out.”    — Keith Sanvidge.

“A woman tries to get all she can out of a man, and a man tries to get all he can into a woman.”    — Isaac Goldberg.

“I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink… and then natural selection reared its ugly head.”

“If you keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer, then you’ll get a great view of the women’s butts when they get one out !”

“Memo to co-workers: Anyone who thinks my hanging mistletoe from my exposed penis is sexual harassment can just blow me !”    — Brad Simanek.

“Dad,” the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text, “what did you do during the sexual revolution?”
“Well, son,” his father confided, “I guess you could say I was captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes.”

“Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex ?
…Mace will do that to you.”

“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.”

“According to the World’s Worst Comics #1, the reason why women always wear those skimpy costumes is that men can’t shoot straight when they’re having erections !”

“Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like ‘Second Tall Man‘.”

“I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.”

“You know, there’s a big difference between being ‘hot’ and being ‘hot and sweaty’.”    — …she said.

—————————————————————————————

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.”

“She said she was hot for me, so i gave her a spare heatsink. She didn’t seem happy. I just dont understand women.”    — MrRoboto1024.

“Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.”

“My wife says I’m not ambitious enough. I suppose I could find someone more supportive, but why bother ?”    — Jim Rosenberg.

“Men — You can’t live with ’em, and they only bleed when you whip ’em.”

“When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it’s a wonder there isn’t more of it done.”    — Buy at Amazon.comKin Hubbard.

“In yesterday’s post, I asked how many of you guys would have sex with a robot if it was indistinguishable from a hot human woman. About 95% of the hetero guys said they would. The other 5% expressed a strong preference for lying.”    — Scott Adams.

“Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humour ?”    — Frank More Colby (1865—1925), US editor.

“The trouble with some women is that they get excited about nothing — then marry him.”

Guy, naked in front of the mirror: ‘Two inches more, and I would be king
Wife: ‘Two inches less, and you’d be queen

“Four inch nails is more like it!”    — Courtney Love about Nine Inch Nails.

“Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and she groaned to me: ‘Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!‘. So, I fucked her twice and slapped her.”

Husband: “I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it”.
Wife: “You wear briefs, don’t you ?”

//

“Of all the women I have loved before, both were so-so and way too expensive.”    — TidewaterJoe.

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”

At the cocktail party, one woman asked another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger ?”
The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man”.

“I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.”

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.”    — Buy at Amazon.comGroucho Marx.

“I know I must be really good in bed, ’cause women always ask me if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.”    — Bill Hewins.

“Who needs a husband ?
My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.”

“While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are scarcely sufficient to service one woman.”    — Boccaccio.

“— Mommy mommy, what’s an orgasm ?
— I don’t know, ask your father.”

“— Mummy, where do babies come from ?
— The stork, dear.
— Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house ?
— The police, dear.
— Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us ?
— The fire department, dear.
— Mummy, where does food come from ?
— Farmers, dear.
— Mummy ?
— Yes, dear ?
— What do we need Daddy for ?”

“— Daddy daddy, there’s a man at the door with a bald head.
— Well, tell him I’ve already got one.”

It’s the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says ‘You know, you’re really a lousy lover‘.
To which the husband replies ‘How can you tell after only 30 seconds ?

“Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed…”

“Black men don’t have large penises… White men have small ones !”

“One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, ‘You should be hung‘. I calmly replied, ‘I am. That’s why she cuts the grass‘.”    — Farrod.

“He’s so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes.”

“It’s men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name.”

“When you’re a guy, every member of the female populus falls into either one of two categories: either you’d like to have sex with her, or you wouldn’t. But you think about it regardless. Women don’t think about guys that way.”    — Loveline.

“I read in a book that you can get your girlfriend excited using Foreplay and digital manipulation of her vagina. I don’t have Foreplay, so I used Buy at Amazon.comPhotoShop. It worked — she totally freaked.”    — Calvin Winslow.

“Even if you can hit a glass on the table four out of five times when you’re clipping your toenails, women will never truly appreciate your skill.”    — Clynch Varnadore.

“Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women ?”    — Buy at Amazon.comVirginia Woolf.

“Word to the wise: Women want men with flat stomachs and fat wallets. My sex life still hasn’t recovered from getting it backwards.”    — Derek Cockram.

“There is one important thing about penises all girls should know: penises really do have different sizes. From smallest to largest:
— Small
— Medium
— Oh, God…
— Does that come in white ?”

“I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate — but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.”    — Alf Whit.

“And why do girls say they want honesty… then don’t… like the other night I was like ‘What would you like to do ?… movie or go out to eat ?‘… she was like ‘Well what do you want to do ?‘… I was like ‘Well if it was up to me… we’d just go home and fuck and then you could drive yourself home while I catch the last of the ball game‘ and then I get a dirty look.”    — B2uc.

“How to impress a woman ?
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, buy flowers for her, go to the ends of the earth for her…
How to impress a man ?
Show up naked. Bring beer.”

“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.”    — Buy at Amazon.comErica Jong.

“Beginning to live with a man is a bit like buying something you’ve been longing for in a store: you’re excited as hell when you bring it home, but then you figure out it doesn’t fit in the place.”    — Buy at Amazon.comJean Kerr.

“This guy says, ‘I’m perfect for you, ’cause I’m a cross between a macho and a sensitive man‘. I said: ‘Oh, a gay trucker ?‘”    — Buy at Amazon.comJudy Tenuta.

“A hard man is good to find.”

And what do you two think you are doing ?!” roared the husband, as he came upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her companion: “See ? I told you he was stupid !

“Word to the wise for men: Although meant as a compliment, ‘You make love like a professional !‘ isn’t always received as such.”    — Derek Cockram.

“If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.”    — Buy at Amazon.comSue Grafton.

“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.”    — Elayne Boosler.

“OK, basically, I’d give a testicle for that. Not necessarily one of mine. But you get the idea.”

“What was the first thing Adam said to Eve ? ‘Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets !‘”

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck ?”    — Buy at Amazon.comLinda Ellerbee.

Man: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful ?”
God: “So you would love her.”
Man: “But God, why did you make her so dumb ?”
God: “So she would love you.”

FUCK, that’s what all the girls ever say to me. Though, usually, they add ‘OFF‘ at the end. Sometimes it’s between ‘DON’T‘ and ‘ING TOUCH ME‘.”

“I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.”    — Jay McInerney.

“Diamonds are a girl’s best friends.
Dogs are man’s best friend.
So which is the dumber sex ?”

“Bitch, bitch, bitch — That’s all I ever hear, ever since the dog ate the baby: ‘Get rida the dog, get rida the dog‘.”

“The only thing worse than women are women who tell me I’m a misogynist.”    — John Avery

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I’m married, but I don’t wear a wedding ring because I’ve found that it tends to give women the impression that I’m unavailable.”    — Bill Muse.

“Urinals closer to the ground are not for short kids — they’re for long adults.”

“Ever notice how many of women’s problems can be traced to the male gender ?
— MENstruation,
— MENopause,
— MENtal breakdown,
— GUYnecology,
— HIMmorrhoids…”

“Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.”

“Once you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.”

“What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common ?
Men always miss them.”

Q: What can a bird do that a man can’t ?
A: Whistle through its pecker.”

Q: Why did God put men on earth ?
A: Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.”

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common ?
A: They’re usually intended for children, but it’s the men who usually end up playing with them.”

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs ?
A: Because their balls fall over their ass-hole and they vapour-lock.”

Q: Why do women live longer than men ?
A: Someone has to stick around and clean up the mess after them.”

Q: How do you keep male employees on their toes ?
A: Raise the urinals 12 inches

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Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive and caring ?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends !”

Q: How are men like laxatives ?
A: Because they irritate the shit out of you !”

Q: Why is food better than men ?
A:Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.”

Q: What’s the difference between pregnant women and men ?
A:One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.”

Q: Why don’t men have PMS ?
A: What would be the point, they act like that all the time.”

Q: What three two-letter words denote ‘small‘ ?
A: Is it in ?”

Q: What is a man’s worst nightmare ?
a) the SuperBowl is pre-empted by a soap opera,
b) his wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to do it,
c) a female boss,
d) he has to ask his wife for money.”

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis ?
A: So they can think with an open mind.”

Q: What’s the most useful part of a man ?
A: The wallet.”

Q: How can you tell that God is a woman ?
A: If God were a man, he would have put the balls on the inside.”

Q: Why don’t men need to use so much toilet paper ?
A: Because God made them perfect arseholes !”

Q: Why did God make Adam first ?
A: A Practice makes perfect.”

Q: What are the three words a woman can always expect from a man after sex ?
A: How was I ?”

Q: How are men like chocolates ?
A: They never last long enough and they always leave stains whenever they get hot.”

Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven ?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell !”

Q: Why do men name their penises ?
A: Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.”

Q: How is a man like a snowstorm ?
A: Because you don’t know when it’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it’ll stay.”

Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called ?
A: The man.”

Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women ?
A: When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.”

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man ?
A: Trustworthy.”

Q: Why are men like commercials ?
A: You can’t believe a word they say.”

Q: Why are men like popcorn ?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.”

Q: Why are men like blenders ?
A: You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.”

Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm ?
A: Because so many men fake foreplay.”

Q: Why are women so bad at parking ?
A: Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 25 cm.”

Q: What’s the difference between a bar and a clitoris ?
A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar.”

Q: What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening ?
A: Sex.”

Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner ?
A: When the power goes off.”

Q: What do men and women have in common ?
A: They both distrust men.”

Q: How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts ?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.”

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man ?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.”

Q: How is a man like the weather ?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.”

Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth ?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.”

Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of ?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.”

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date ?
A: Slow.”

———————————————————————————————

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis ?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.”

Q: What’s easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman ?
A: A snowwoman is easier to make, ’cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.”

Q: What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing ?
A: Castrated.”

Q: What’s the difference between government bonds and men ?
A: Bonds mature.”

Q: What’s the difference between a man and E.T. ?
A: E.T. phoned home.”

Q: Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners ?
A: So men can remember them.”

Q: Why do men prefer blondes ?
A: Men always like intellectual company.”

“A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of ?
A: Dating children.”

Q: How can you tell soap operas are fictional ?
A: In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.”

Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating ?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts. “

Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the Future ?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.”

Q: How was Colonel Sanders a typical male ?
A: All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.”

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying ?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.”

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers ?
A: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half time.”

Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog ?
A: A dog is always happy to see you and a dog only takes a couple of months to train.”

Q: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera ?
A: Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.”

Q: What did God say after creating man ?
A: I can do better.”

“Husband: Want a quickie ?
Wife: As opposed to what ?”

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins ?
A: They can’t stand criticism.”

Q: What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand ?
A: A man’s undivided attention.”

Q: What do you call an intelligent man in America ?
A: A tourist.”

Q: Why do jocks play on artificial turf ?
A: To keep them from grazing.”

Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette ?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.”

Q: What is a man’s view of safe sex ?
A: A padded headboard.”

Q: How do men sort their laundry ?
A: ‘Filthy’ and ‘Filthy but Wearable’.”

Q: Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.”

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath ?
A: He eats beans for dinner.”

Q: What is a man’s idea of foreplay ?
A: A half hour of begging.”

Q: How do you save a man from drowning ?
A: Take your foot off his head.”

Q: What do men and beer have in common ?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.”

Q: How are men and parking spots alike ?
A: The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.”

Q: What is a man’s idea of doing housework ?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.”

Q: Do you know why bankers are good lovers ?
A: They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.”

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups ?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.”

Q: How do men exercise on the beach ?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.”

Q: What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business ?
A: No mind. No business.”

Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift to women ?
A: Exchange him.”

Q: Why do bachelors like smart women ?
A: Opposites Attract.”

Q: Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born ?
A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.”

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common ?
A: Men always miss them.”

Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm ?
A: Because so many men fake foreplay.

———————————————————————————-

  1. My body is a temple, now get on your knees and pray.
  2. It’s not the size that counts, it’s… no, wait, size does count.
  3. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice.
  4. Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever.
  5. Save your breath for your inflatable date.

Phrases you don’t tell a naked man:

  • I’ve smoked joints fatter than that.
  • Ahh, it’s cute.
  • I’m sorry.
  • Who circumcised you ?
  • Why don’t we just cuddle ?
  • You know they have surgery to fix that.
  • My last boyfriend was 4″ bigger.
  • Oh no, a flash headache !
  • My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
  • This explains your car.
  • Are you one of those pygmies ?
  • Why is God punishing you ?
  • But it still works, right ?
  • Do you take steroids ?
  • Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes ?
  • Aww, it’s hiding.
  • Are you cold ?
  • If you get me real drunk first.
  • Is that an optical illusion ?
  • It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
  • Does it come with an air pump ?
  • So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

The Top Worst Things to Say to a One-Night Stand the Next Morning:

  • …and counting your dad last weekend, that’s the whole family, then.
  • As if my hangover weren’t bad enough, you’re still here.
  • Be a sweetheart and slide down the laundry chute when you let yourself out?
  • Between coming down off the crack and that nightmare about a naked Marlon Brando, you wouldn’t believe what was going through my — AAAAAGH!!!
  • Can you validate my parking ?
  • Gotta run — I’m late to confession! Bless you, my son.
  • It puts the lotion in the basket…
  • Oh, Susan, I love how your toe tag matches the blue in your eyes.
  • Ugh, what a mess! Can I borrow a pair of your underwear ?
  • Wait — you don’t own a dog ?
  • You know, you looked a lot better in low light with your head bobbing up and down.
  • Your wife called, but don’t worry — I told her that you were sleeping off the booze and coke and several hours of intense fornicatin’.
  • AIEEE! My eyes!
  • Are those my teeth or yours?
  • Man, it smells like a Turkish prison in here.
  • Mom?!?
  • Mother of God, how drunk *WAS* I?
  • My lawyer will be in touch with you.
  • Okay, now remind me… are you Jenna or Barbara?
  • Sorry about the whole get-drunk-and-screw thing.
  • That idea o’ yours would make a great Senate resolution. Here, lemme give you Hillary’s number…
  • Those marks should heal in about a week.
  • Yikes! Looks like I need to adjust the prescription on my beer goggles again.
  • You aren’t allergic to penicillin, are you?
  • You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney…
  • Your Mom called and can’t wait to meet me.
  • My eggs ? Over easy — just like you.
  • Wow! You look just like Ernest Borgnine, even in that dress!
  • And you are…?
  • Sorry, but I should probably get home before I sober up.
  • Thanks, I had a great time. Can you just send me the bill for your replacement prosthetic?
  • Have you ever considered responding to one of those, um, ‘male enlargement‘ ads ?
  • Could I get you to sign this diary for my parole officer?
  • Is there any chance you could drop me off at the methadone clinic on your way back into town?
  • You look a lot, um, less sexy without the burqua.
  • Remember last night when I said that I run TopFive ? Well, I lied — I’m just a contributor.
  • For breakfast, I usually have some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
  • Before you leave, would you like to see some sexually arousing video of me and a monkey ?
  • Look over there at that houseplant and wave… you’re on candid-slutcam.com!
  • We’re like two ships that just use each other to dump bilge in the night.
  • Hand me my penis, will ya ?
 

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